My favourite columnist of the moment is Ben Macintyre in the Times (of London). Today's Last Word piece is a fine example. For those who can't be bothered to click, here is his glossary of literary euphemisms. I think we should add to this list so that in time OUP will be able to publish a truly scholarly, magisterial, authoritative and comprehensive Dictionary of Literary Euphemisms which might just fill the much-needed gap in the market.

Mesmerising This word is traditionally deployed by the non-specialist reviewer to describe a specialist book, for example:

“Hawking’s A Brief History of Time is quite mesmerising.” It translates as: “I didn’t understand a word, but I’m not going to admit it because I need the money, and I’ve already sold the book.”

Edgy Any author under the age of 30, being reviewed by someone over 30, is likely to be described as edgy. The edginess factor will increase in proportion to whether the author is non-white, female and attractive, and the reviewer is white, male, and fat. Drugs, sex and racial conflict are also contributory factors. Edgy is also a synonym for glue-sniffing, necrophilia, lap-dancing and Michel Houellebecq.

Exquisite sensibility Gay.

Veiled sensibility Closet gay.

Shot through with mordant wit This phrase tends to be used by reviewers to describe books written by other reviewers. It means:

“Extremely nasty, but I don’t want this bastard to work me over next.”

These are minor quibbles (mere cavils) . . . This is a favourite of the weedier academic reviewers. It usually crops up towards the end of the review, when the reviewer has suddenly realised that he may have put the boot in too hard at the start, and feels guilty.

Writing reminiscent of Probably plagiarised.

It is a truth universally acknowledged . . . that any review touching, however tangentially, on the life, times, writing or recipes of Jane Austen must begin with this knackered introduction.

X meets Y This is the single greatest contribution of publishers’ marketing departments to modern literature. It shackles together two more famous authors or books in the hope of making a hybrid, and can lead to some unlikely couplings: “Henry James meets Hunter S. Thompson” or “Virginia Woolf meets Naomi Wolf meets Steppenwolf meets Peter and the Wolf”. The offspring of such unions are almost always stillborn. (qv The next Dan Brown / Brick Lane / Shakespeare etc.) Exhaustive Exhausting. Wears its scholarship lightly Author is not a real scholar. But I am. Triumphant return to form I was expecting this to be as abysmal as the last one, but it was only mildly disappointing. Gnomic Baffling. Imaginative Fiction reviewers use this to describe a book that they wish they had written; nonfiction reviewers use it to describe a book they do not believe. Compelling I managed to finish it. Painfully funny / sad / poignant / long Demonstrates the deep sensitivity of the reviewer. A health warning also attaches to any book described as achingly, eye-wateringly or heart-stoppingly anything. Arch I’m not sure if this is funny Detailed Has footnotes. Richly detailed Has lots of footnotes. Densely detailed Has footnotes, endnotes, acknowledgements, epigrams, foreword, preface, bibliography, appendices, indices, and marginalia. Translation: unreadable. qv panoramic, workmanlike, painstaking, extensively researched. Quaint Eccentric. Eccentric Author should be sectioned immediately. Vertiginous So clever and showy that it made me feel a bit sick. Vibrant Usually used to describe a young author that the reviewer met when drunk at the Martin Amis launch and thinks he might have fancied. (See also accomplished debut.) Important Worthy. Crucial Worthier. Seminal Worthiest. A colourful cast of characters The author is trying to be P. G. Wodehouse This curate’s egg of a book . . . The telltale mark of the indecisive reviewer Whips along, zips along, rattling yarn, high-octane, page-turner I usually review books about classical music, but the literary editor has given me this ghastly potboiler and I am putting a brave face on it Smorgasbord, potpourri, salmagundi, etc are typical literary show-off terms intended to demonstrate the international learning of the reviewer. Translation: mixture. Schadenfreude “The book of mine enemy hath been remaindered, and I am glad” (Clive James). Tightly plotted Has a beginning and a middle, and you find out whodunnit at the end.